I've always wondered why is it that as I approach an arbitrary date, such as a holiday, or in this case, my birthday, I reflect on my past and try to frantically predict or at least plan out my future. As I approach my 35th birthday, I find myself in this odd space, just head turning- forward, future. Backward, past. Forward, future. Backward, past.
However, there is a notable difference between this year and years past. On one hand, I can't stop feeling like I must be doing all the things- adventures, big runs, big rides, big trips- hell, any sized trip. I have so many things I want to accomplish and I cannot help hearing the tick, tick, tick of my mortal clock, that finite clock that will eventually stop ticking at some unknown point in time. To add to that, not only does everything feel urgent because I have no idea when it will stop, but on top of that, there is a secondary clock running on my athletic fitness. How much longer can I run or ride this far? This fast? When will the things I love be impossible to complete in the manner that I currently like to experience them? I find myself wanting to know these answers because being immersed in and moving through beautiful landscapes brings me an immeasurable amount of joy. So I keep finding myself wondering when will age or injury, or both cause me to, gasp, slow down? What can I accomplish between now and then?
So on the one hand, I have that mindset and on the other, I have this nagging feeling like I'm scrambling. I'm checking boxes. Doing things, but not the capital "I" Important things. The things that matter. I'm consuming proverbial snack food and never feeling truly satisfied. I'm thinking up obscure challenges that are, at their core, not very inspiring. I haven't stopped to consider each of them.
And this is a problem because time is finite. And the sooner we accept that, the better. If we were infinite, nothing would have meaning because there would always be the opportunity to do everything over, as many times as we wanted. The point is, there is no amount of scheduling, task management systems, or apps that will actually truly buy anyone more quality time. The "Point" of time isn't to make it incredibly productive or overly busy, it's to make it meaningful. Which begs the question, what do I want to do and how do I choose? Every time I choose to do something, I am inevitably choosing to not do an infinite number of others things. Some might call this mindset FOMO, but I disagree. We, myself included, will always be missing out on something. Failing to realize that is part of the problem and why someone might feel a sense of constant urgency, the overwhelming need to plan and be busy. Instead of calling it FOMO, I prefer to think of it as failing to consider the importance of choosing how to spend the short amount of time we have on this Earth. Instead of stopping to consider the briefness of our life and the importance of our choices, we choose the simplest path that distracts us from that. Be productive. Be Busy. Organize. In the words of the author and quasi philosopher, Oliver Burkeman, "we recoil from the notion that this is it--that this life, with all its flaw and inescapable vulnerabilities, its extreme brevity, and our limited influence over how it unfolds, is the only one we'll get a shot at. Instead, we mentally fight against the way things are-- so that... 'we don't have to consciously participate in what it's like to feel claustrophobic, imprisoned, powerless, and constrained by reality."
The while clocks are always ticking, my athletic ability and life clocks, just humming in the background- there is this odd pressure from out there that everything we do must be relevant to our community, it must be bigger and better. We should be at the races where everyone is at. We need to be doing this thing or that because it's The Place to Be. Yet, when I overlay that odd pressure with the idea that I might have roughly 2,200 weeks left in my life- do I want to spend it doing what I think I ought to do? What others want me to do?
The mindset above, the one where I've realized that choice matters so much, doesn't just stop at what fun and pleasurable activities to do, or what race to attend. This pertains to everything from choosing what relationships to invest in to what job you stay in. Obviously, there are some limitations, not everyone can have their dream job and there is privilege in being able to choose, but the thing I'm wrapping my head around now, and perhaps have been for the past several years, is that we cannot waste time. To quote my favorite movie, What About Bob? "We’re all going to die and it doesn’t matter if it’s tomorrow or 80 years from now. Do you know how fast time goes? I was six, like, yesterday."
In 2020 I decided to leave the marriage (if one can call it that) I was in because it was wearisome and colorless. I took an inventory of my life and the choices I had made (or lack thereof) and realized that every meaningful experience I had during the time we were together occurred outside of the relationship. And if I stayed one more minute in that relationship I was further squandering the precious time I had on this Earth. I chose to live and feel fulfilled. And so I left. And I chose to spend my days, my energy and attention, on meaningful fulfilling relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Fast forward to today and I find myself on what feels like the precipice of the 2,200 weeks I have left. Thinking as if every moment could be my last because, in all actuality, it very well could be. So I sit here, thinking about how I'm going to spend them. Though perhaps saying "spend them" is wrong, because that implies that I could possibly save these days and months for later use. So how am I going to live out these remaining weeks in a way that is meaningful?
I'm not sure and that scares me, and makes me feel out of control. I'm making myself consider the importance of each moment, knowing there will always be the mundane, monotonous tedium of life. But in the moments where I do have a choice. How and what will I decide? Now more than ever, I understand that nothing is guaranteed (obviously) and I want to make as much of my time here as meaningful as possible. I need to take a hard look at the things I want to accomplish, the relationships I want to devote more time to, and the things that make the ticking noise of the clocks get quiet. Because even though they may keep ticking, it's peaceful when you can't hear them.
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