Monday, March 11, 2013

Buck Up.


I wrote this a while ago, but I felt like I wanted to resurrect it.

Are you struggling with a problem, illness or a crippling case of depression? If so- read on! After years of clinical trials and research, the doctors at No Shit Sherlock LLC, have found the cure to all your ailments.
            “We tried a lot of things on really fuckin depressed people. I mean the lowest of the low on the loser totem poll,” stated Dr. Fulkerson. “The assisted suicide and bungee jumping therapy proved to be slightly unethical. Not to mention, it didn’t fit into our current marketing scheme. Ultimately we decided to stick to marketable catch phrases that everyone could relate to.”  No Shit Sherlock LLC (NSS) reported that after testing nearly 156 phrases- ranging from fourth grade reading level insults and comebacks, to redneck proverbs and even some “high class shit,” they finely stuck gold with three phrases. The researchers at NSS measured things like: Motivation, likelihood of beating head against wall, passive aggressive behavior, aggressive aggressive behavior, the times a subject would nod their head in agreement, perceived level of self loathing, and level of repulsiveness as judged by peers. Dr. Fulkerson reported that, “these phrases seemed to just click with people. The lines sunk in and really got them thinking. All the numbers and results we got were impressive across the board.”       
            The phrases that NSS ended up with are as follows: “Pull yourself together,” “Buck up,” and “Get your shit together.” Although the doctors found that certain factors help to boost the effectiveness of these phrases. Dr. Heine, the lead research at No Shit Sherlock LLC, notes that their studies have shown the phrase has a particular high potency if it sounds like “bullshit advice elitists offer people.” For instance, one of the test subjects, whom we will call Joe Sprankelstuben so as to conceal his identity, states that after hearing the line “Get your shit together,” a light bulb went on in his head. In interviews he said, “It was an “AH HA moment.  Of course! Had you told me years ago to get my shit together, I could have saved hundreds on therapy bills! I totally forgot about the horrible bob sled accident that killed my entire family and left me with HIV. I just sort of sat up straight, decided to get my shit together and now I’m pretty much the picture of perfection.”
            NSS is still running trials on these phrases and caution people that only use these gems sparingly- as they are not sure of the long term effects. Though the results seen in lab tests seem positive and a good indicator that perhaps words DO speak louder than actions.

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