Balancing Act

Am I getting old? There was a point in my life when being old was cool and desirable. While I was stuck pushing a toy car across the living room floor, my sisters were driving real vehicles on real roads. When I could eventually drive, my sisters were gone, in homes of their own. Married even! WOW. Growing up is awesome I thought. False. The idea of growing up is awesome until it happens to you. On top of that, the idea old age is cool shatters after the age of 24. When I was younger, awe obviously clouded my vision. I didn't see my sisters paying for gas to fuel the real car. I didn't see the very uncool traffic jams. I didn't see the mortgage, grocery, and student loan payments flying out the door. All I saw was a vogue, suave lifestyle that consisted in doing whatever, whenever.

I turn 26 this year. Young by most standards, but it's the oldest I've ever been, so it feels pretty damn old. Which, after writing that, I don't even know what that means. People older than me say that I'm in the prime of my life. Gee, thanks? That's a lot of pressure. The prime of my life. My entire life. Is it all down hill after this? Am I doing..things..right? What are benchmarks or signs to know if I'm on track for having a fulfilling life? How much is health insurance!? Wait, should I be saving for retirement, which is still some weird amoeba type thought that I can barely conceptualize. I have so many questions! This is all happening so fast.

It's not that getting old scares me, it's that the passing of time seems so fast. I feel like I and perhaps society, place an inordinate amount of emphasis on spending time wisely for it is, unfortunately, something you cannot stash away in a savings account. There are days when I question whether or not I am doing the "right" thing with my life or making the "right" decision. This is certainly a more common line of thought during the summer on the Pro Leisure Tour, where, at times, I feel like I'm a complete waste. Hiking around, doing as I please. Not really accomplishing much of anything that will contribute to the greater good. (Well, it contributes to my greater good.) It is during those times that I get anxious and question myself. I find that I compare myself to those around me in a feeble attempt to measure the worth of my outings and choices. A dangerous train of thought. Rationally I know that judgments like these are not an accurate predictor of happiness, success or anything really, but it is incredibly easy to get swept away by this line of "reasoning." I've been attempting to let go of this mindset in hopes of adopting a more gentle, non-judgmental mentality, but I still struggle to accept things for how they are.

When I was young and still pushing toy cars across the floor, my dad always told me, "Balannnceee. Balance is everything." I'm fairly certain I looked at him blankly, not knowing exactly what he meant. Perhaps it was some secret that people who drove cars only knew. He never really expanded on that phrase and it's probably for the better. Over the years it has taken on numerous and varied meanings. During college it meant find a balance of studying and skipping class to ski. After I graduated it meant strike a ratio of days dedicated to "panicing about the future" and "relaxing about the future." Balance for running means, run AND rest. Now a days, balance has become a blend of my previous definitions. It means, relax about the future, but don't rest on your laurels. It means take time for yourself, but not all the time. Pay your bills on time, save for the future, but you probably need that LuLuLemon top. Spend time in the mountains doing what you love and don't feel guilty about it.

Deep down I know what balance means and I know that over time the definition will change. I'm sure 40 years from now, when ultra running has destroyed my knees, it will actually mean balance.  But for now, I'm happy with the definition I've given it. Though that's not to say that I don't forget that definition on a daily basis. It just means that it's a working definition. A work in progress. The PLT is in it's beginning stages. There is much traveling, running and hiking to be done and I fully intend to enjoy it. As long as I don't forget that I still need to pay my rent on the 1st and that my Jeep doesn't run on hopes and dreams.

So confusing!

 "I suppose it's like the tickling a crocodile, isn't it? Time is chasing after all of us." -Peter Pan

No offense, but...

Washington, DC- A bill that called for a removal of certain phrases from the English language passed by a unanimous vote on Friday afternoon. All members of the House stated that from here on out, the following phrases would be deemed unconstitutional:

• "No offense, but..."
• "Just saying..."

An unnamed Representative from Colorado said that these phrases needed to be removed "because they were essentially an attempt at voiding the statements that preceded it. They are a smoke and mirror illusion, trying to disguise the truth. They are a pathetic attempt at smoothing over an inappropriate, blunt, and perhaps crass statement." Another Representative stated that the phrases "try to make the victim of the offensive statement feel a bit better about being demoted."

Tim Griffin, an Arkansas Representative  told reporters that, "At first I was a bit leery of the bill. It seemed like it would be a violation of the First Amendment. But when talking this issue over with my wife, she told me 'that was the dumbest thing [she'd ] ever heard, no offense.' That's when I knew we needed to pass this bill."

The bill, which is often referred to as The No Offense Taken bill, will go in to effect immediately. It mandates that the phrases mentioned above, be abolished. If the phrases are heard being used, violators can face up to a $1000  fine and 3 days of community service where they will teach English to illegal immigrants. Already police have taken several people custody and fined hundreds more.

Officer Wilksboro, a DC Language Police Officer, said, "Just the other day I had to break up a squabble at a cafe. Two middle aged women were talking when I clearly heard the more aggressive women say 'No offense.' She tried to come back from it after I confronted her by saying, 'That's not what I meant! I didn't mean to call her stupid, undermine her intelligence and blatantly try to deceive her. I thought she'd get it, but instead she somehow managed to take my statement the wrong way, despite the 'no offense' clause.' Poor lady. Hopefully she will learn from that slip up."

This reporter thinks the bill will be a boon to the country. It will force people to be upfront and honest. Rendering verbal shields utterly useless. However, I do think that the bill will be difficult and extraordinarily expensive to enforce. Perhaps there are better things the government could invest in. No offense, I'm just sayin. 

Buck Up.

I wrote this a while ago, but I felt like I wanted to resurrect it.

Are you struggling with a problem, illness or a crippling case of depression? If so- read on! After years of clinical trials and research, the doctors at No Shit Sherlock LLC, have found the cure to all your ailments.
            “We tried a lot of things on really fuckin depressed people. I mean the lowest of the low on the loser totem poll,” stated Dr. Fulkerson. “The assisted suicide and bungee jumping therapy proved to be slightly unethical. Not to mention, it didn’t fit into our current marketing scheme. Ultimately we decided to stick to marketable catch phrases that everyone could relate to.”  No Shit Sherlock LLC (NSS) reported that after testing nearly 156 phrases- ranging from fourth grade reading level insults and comebacks, to redneck proverbs and even some “high class shit,” they finely stuck gold with three phrases. The researchers at NSS measured things like: Motivation, likelihood of beating head against wall, passive aggressive behavior, aggressive aggressive behavior, the times a subject would nod their head in agreement, perceived level of self loathing, and level of repulsiveness as judged by peers. Dr. Fulkerson reported that, “these phrases seemed to just click with people. The lines sunk in and really got them thinking. All the numbers and results we got were impressive across the board.”       
            The phrases that NSS ended up with are as follows: “Pull yourself together,” “Buck up,” and “Get your shit together.” Although the doctors found that certain factors help to boost the effectiveness of these phrases. Dr. Heine, the lead research at No Shit Sherlock LLC, notes that their studies have shown the phrase has a particular high potency if it sounds like “bullshit advice elitists offer people.” For instance, one of the test subjects, whom we will call Joe Sprankelstuben so as to conceal his identity, states that after hearing the line “Get your shit together,” a light bulb went on in his head. In interviews he said, “It was an “AH HA moment.  Of course! Had you told me years ago to get my shit together, I could have saved hundreds on therapy bills! I totally forgot about the horrible bob sled accident that killed my entire family and left me with HIV. I just sort of sat up straight, decided to get my shit together and now I’m pretty much the picture of perfection.”
            NSS is still running trials on these phrases and caution people that only use these gems sparingly- as they are not sure of the long term effects. Though the results seen in lab tests seem positive and a good indicator that perhaps words DO speak louder than actions.

Becoming a Beginnger

I aspire to do many things. I want to start rock climbing again, go to yoga classes, write short stories, run 100 miles, complete a Colorado bike tour. I'm fairly fit, have the time to invest in these endeavors, and yet I haven't done a single one. Sure, I talk about doing them. I think about starting them, look at information online, but I never actually follow through with anything. The fact that I can do these things, but simply don't is frustrating beyond belief. The only thing preventing me from starting and completing these tasks is me.

A few days ago I spoke with a good friend about this ridiculous paradox. He, too, struggled with something similar. Plagued with months of "hemming and hawing" about hobbies and purchases for theses new activities. Both of us made up outlandish excuses as to why we couldn't commit to these things. "Too expensive," "not enough time," "I have to watch paint dry," "I need to research it more," "I probably won't like it." These excuses only mask to real reason for not pulling the trigger, the fear of being a beginner. The fear of asking questions, making mistakes, being unsure, looking 'dumb.' Which is ironic, considering I work in a school where I encourage students to ask questions, try new things and to not worry about what anyone else thinks. Perhaps I should start practicing what I preach.

The cow that never learned to run from enemies.

Running is something that comes naturally to me (and shockingly, to a majority of the human species). So of course I find that I want to run. It is an easy part of my comfortable routine. Introducing something new would require a change. Something new might make me work, make me learn! Oh, heavens! (Again, ironic considering my job.) Interestingly enough, I enjoy learning. I actually crave it. I read, I attend educational classes, but I don't want people to see me stumble up the learning curve. I'll learn, damnit, but I don't want you to know I struggled. Passive learning, via reading and classes, there are not many opportunities for people to see your mistakes. Yes, you might pronounce a word wrong in your head while reading, but the chances of anyone noticing that are slim. When you start something new, like rock climbing or take up an instrument, mistakes stick out. That off key note, that slip from the wall, surely someone will laugh. Someone will notice. And from that moment on, you'll be known as the person who made that mistake. Forever. 

Really? Forever? I doubt it. First, if someone does remember you solely for the minor mistakes you made, you might not want to associate with them in the first place. Second, it is extremely probable that someone else, perhaps even the people around you, made similar mistakes.  (None of this is true for a suregon. I never, ever, what a suregon to make a mistake. I will hold a grudge.) Making mistakes, learning from them, seeing improvement is rewarding, not scary. Asking for advice or taking lessons doesn't make you a failure. It's probably more normal than stewing for 6 months about buying a yoga mat.

"You can learn new things at any time in your life if you're willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you." Barbara Sher

"Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns... We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small." - Tara Brach