Astute Conversations With Myself.

Thirsty after a long run, I stopped into the store on my way home. At the checkout line, the clerk asked if I was a runner. Either he was psychic or my muddied calves, large GPS watch, and synthetic clothing gave me away. Whichever it was, I confirmed his assumption, hoping that he wouldn't ask about what I run. Standing in a busy checkout line at the store is a less than ideal place to explain the who/what/when/where and whys of ultra running. But my train of thought was cut off when he said, "You don't run those crazy races. You know. Like Leadville." Well yes, I do run ultras, but no I have not run the Leadville 100. "Man!! That's crazy. I just don't know how you people do it. I'd never be able to run that long!" In an effort to move the line along and get my drink faster, I quickly told him that anyone can run an ultra. It's fun! And with that we both laughed a little and I hurried back home. 

As I was driving home I realized that I should have put an asterisk next to the "It's fun!" claim I made. It's not always fun. Images and memories of my last race flashed between my ears, making me cringe and drive significantly faster. I thought I should go back and tell that guy the truth, but realized that the damage was done (and I'd rather be at home). So in an attempt to redeem myself, below are thoughts that ensued during my last race. Let these serve as my asterisk.  

The Damage

Warm up: It's not a good sign if carrying my water bottle on the warm up makes my bicep feel like a substance closely related to that of jello pudding.

4km-10km: Wee! These hills are fun! Just like home in Colorado!

Warner's Wall: This is a stupidly steep downhill. In fact, it's borderline dangerous. Look! I'm getting rocks in my shoes. I'm not enjoying this at all. This section is stupid. Maybe I'm just hungry. Eating makes everything seem better.

15.5km: Eating has not improved the situation. A rapid decline in physical and mental (st)ability is noted.

17km: Something bit my ankle. God damnit. I wasn't looking around for snakes, I don't think I saw one, but what else would bite me? Oh god. My leg is tingling. It's definitely, wait let me check, yes definitely swelling slightly. I don't know what the symptoms are for Tiger Snake bites. Shit. I should have researched that. I wonder what happens now? Surely I'll pass out soon. Those saps that just passed me or maybe the gentlemen with congested lungs behind me will carry my lifeless (perhaps convulsing?) body to the next aid station. Which sounds horrible...for them. I think it's quite a trek from here, but I won't have to deal with that. I'll be incapacitated and frothing at the mouth, trying to say something meaningful and courageous in my last few moments. Jesus, I think my leg is going numb. How much time has passed since the snake bit me? Why the hell is it taking so long for congested lungs man to pass me? I should ask him if he spotted a snake on the trail. Who am I kidding? Stop lying to yourself. You know a shitty little ant bit you. Are you really going to let an ant take you out of this race? Well..I mean, if my leg got bad enough... Oh come ON! You're the moron who didn't train. The one who, at the last minute, decided to switch from the marathon to the 75k. Why? Oh because everyone else is running the 75k and you didn't want to be a party pooper. New flash dummy, you won't be much of party animal after this little jaunt.

(Incoherent thoughts. Several lyrics of Miley Cyrus songs on a loop in brain. Obviously at a low functioning mental state. Just the essentials now.)

25km: I hate running. I honestly hate it. I'm never going to do this again. Ever. No, not even if someone offered me like $5,000. Maybe for a million. I don't know. It's a tough call. Fuck it. I'm walking this 10k hill. "Do you want to pass me?" ("No, I'm fine.") Humph. Just pass me, man. I'm not going to go any faster. In fact, I'm going to slow down. Maybe I'm just hungry. No. There is no amount of food that will make up for poor training.

If I keep eating things are bound to improve.

29ish km: Oh look its Dakota. Ass hole. Running. Pfh. Who does he think he is. "Good job!! I love you!!" No I don't. I don't love you at all right now. You jerk. This is somehow, someway, your fault... and I've got the next several hours to find a way to blame this situation I'm in on you. muhahahahaa

34.5km: Aid station. Lots of people. Pretend you are enjoying yourself.

37ish km: What is this crap? I have to finagle my way through that chimney of rock? Maybe I'll get stuck and I won't have to run anymore. Also, I hate stairs. I'm not looking forward to going up or down any of those again.

42km: I'm simply smiling and cheering on everyone else because I'm elated that a) I'm seeing people in just as much pain as myself b) I'm further along than these folks c) which means I'm that much closer to being done and d) it's downhill for the next 10km.

Ugh. 

44km: Truly regretting my excitement for downhill. Fairly certain that my quads are legitimately tearing away from the bone.

 46km: What if I lied and said that I was peeing blood. Kidney failure is a totally justifiable reason for dropping. If it were true.  But no one would know I lied about it. What sicko would lie about it? True. And then I'd have to lie about the whole kidney failure thing for like.. the rest of my life. Would I have to lie about it on new patient forms at doctors offices? Maybe. Definitely if I'm with someone from the race. I think I have a migraine. I could probably quit because of a migraine. It's pain that no one can see or question. I'll let that excuse marinate a little longer.

60.5km: I've taken up buddhism. Obviously in Samsara, a cyclical state where I'm grasping and fixating on myself and my experiences. I've come to this point from ignorance (avidaya) and am now going through dukkha: suffering, anxiety and dissatisfaction. It won't be long now. Actually. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

63km: If I convert kilometers to miles, do I lose or gain distance?  "Warner's Wall." Goddamnit. I hate Marcus Warner for this. I'm giving him the silent treatment for here on out. This stupid wall and it's stupid uphill-ness. I'd sit here and pout if there were someone near me to ask why I'm upset.

65km: I hate downhills more. I can literally feel the blisters under my toenails smashing into the front of my shoes.


67.6km: I think "Mick's Track" was removed from the course. Maybe the race director realized that going back up that hellacious hill was an unsound idea. Oh thank god. There is no way I could deal with that right now.

68km: "Mick's Track." I never liked that Mick character anyway. Yea, I thought I did, but nope. Add him to the silent treatment list.

(L-R: Myself, Dakota and Mick. Him and his stupid hill.)

71km: ohmygod.I'mgoingtorunallofthis. I don't care if my quads literally and/or figuratively snap away from the bone and land on the ground.

75.5km: Finishline.JesusHChrist. Put me in that river. I need to cleanse away all that has just happened. I don't care about anything other than sitting down. What? No, I don't want to party. I want a hot shower and a do over.

Carnage. My foot and Clarke's.

It has been twenty days since I "ran" the Buffalo Stampede. Memory, with time as it's cunning accomplice, has tricked my mind. Now that some time has lapsed, when people ask me about the race, about whether or not I had a good time, I can't quite figure out the answer. I stumble over my thoughts, words, landing on something like, "Yea.. I think I had a good time. Well I mean, I got through the race." I say things like that as if I only slightly struggled. In a very Freudian way, time is slowly changing my view on the whole ordeal, perhaps in an effort protect myself. With ultras (Let's not extrapolate to other life situations, please.)  it is sometimes best to repress painful experiences because if we accurately remembered these races like the one described above, no one would run such long distances.

So why write down the painful experience, this pseudo guilt prompted asterisk? I didn't write the above as a race report that tells a story of someone who struggled, over came many obstacles and finished with a better sense of self in hopes of inspiring someone. No, I wrote this to serve as a 'gentle' reminder to myself and perhaps a slight warning to others, to not believe everything you hear. Especially when you hear someone say, "Of course you can run an ultra! Anyone can!! It's fun!" It's not that they are lying, its just that they don't remember the truth.

Pre Race Meeting

This Sunday Dakota is racing in 4 Refugios, an ultra race in Argentina. Things seem to be run a little differently down there, so below I've written how I imagine the race to be organized..

Welcome to the 4 Ref 2014 pre race conference. This entire conference will be given in Spanish, so for those of you not fluent in the language, I hope you have previously secured a translator as it is vital that you understand all that we go over tonight. Ok, let's get started.

First some general rules about the meeting: Since you are here, you know that the meeting starts, or rather started at 10:00pm. A light pre race dinner will be served around midnight. An after dinner expresso will be available shortly after, but supply is limited, so please only have one cup. Around 1am, we will have a brief intermission. This will last somewhere between thirty minutes to an hour and a half. We have no way of notifying you of when the meeting resumes. The meeting is scheduled to conclude around 4:15, as the race begins at 4:30. In the event that the meeting runs over, one by one each of you will need to check in with the event timer. Look for a man holding the 1930s styled pocket watch. He will assign each of you a unique starting time. When you finish, we will hand you a paper and pencil so that you my calculate your finishing time. Basic arithmetic skills are necessary, but we will provide you with some simple formulas at the top of the page. Please, do not forget to write your name, your mothers maiden name, and your thirteen digit race number in the spaces provided. You must use the No. 2 pencil we give you. 

Now we can address the race itself. The race is capped at 1500 participants. Participants under the age of 18 do not count as actual participants, but we will provide them with a number. Due to this, we don't know the exact number of participants. That creates somewhat of a safety issue. We ask that everyone be aware of the people around them. If you notice that someone is suddenly not there, please notify someone of this persons disappearance. That being said, if you cannot describe the person, the location of where you saw them last or you cannot recall their thirteen digit bib number, do not tell anyone. Telling someone else, especially if you tell a race official and not just a spectator, might mean sending out a frivolous search party where we are looking for the proverbially needle in a hay stack. We would rather not waste time and valuable resources on looking for a runner who may or may not be lost. Which brings me to my next point. Carlos, please wave your hand. See the man with the bazooka gun? He will be coming around to each and every one of you. You all must sign the waiver he presents to you. This is a libality release form. Essentially saying that if you get hurt, lost, die, suffer from physical or mental pain during or in the four months following the race, we, 4 Ref, are not responsible for any of these damages. Feel free to read it, but keep in mind that it is already 11:00pm and dinner is served at midnight. Carlos looks like a man who doesn't want to be late to dinner. 

All of you should have noticed the "required gear" link located at the bottom left corner of our website, under the tab "additional information." And per the request on the page "schedule of events" under the "timeline" and then "pre race" page, where you should have seen the hot link labeled "Suggestions," all of you should have your bag of gear under your seats. This bag should also have the room for your bib number as well as a label containing the answers to the three security questions you answered on the "Gear FAQ" page. When you pick up your bib numbers after this meeting, but before you talk to the man with the pocket watch, assuming that we go over our scheduled time, please write your bib number on the bag. You'll have come back to this room, as this is where we have space to keep them. The drive between the restaurant where you pick up your bib is approximately sixteen minutes, but there might be some wiggle room there. Also, I'm assuming all of you have secured 4WD vehicles. If not, the drive time between this hotel conference room and the start line will be longer than the allotted twenty six minutes. Donkeys and sherpas might be available for hire, but the closest rental agency is a ten minute walk from here. But I digress. On to the gear. All participants should be wearing running shoes with a minimum of 6mm lugs and a maximum of 8mm. IF during the course of the race the lug height is decreased to 5mm due to wear, the runner will be asked to change into the additional pair of shoes they will have put into their pack. Runners will be required to carry two liters of water, at least 9 gels, two different pairs of sunglasses, each of varying darkness, a SPOT transmitter, a rain shell, arm sleeves, and tall compression socks. It is highly recommended that you wear two watches. Runners will also need to carry one rope for repelling and a climbing harness. You'll be wearing your aerodynamic bike helmet, so an additional helmet is not required, but also not frowned upon. Knowledge of climbing knots is also required, as you are NOT allowed to carry a repel device. There are two sections on the course where you will need to repel. Three if you follow the alternate course. There may be a bottleneck at these sections, which is why we have required you to choose a book to bring from these titles: War and Peace, The Canterberry Tales, One Hundred Years of Solitude, or Moby Dick. Hardback covers are not required, but highly recommended. You'll also be required to carry a first aid kit. In the waterproof container, you should have the following: anti venom, scissors, two meters of tape and gauze, six bandaids, 100proof alcohol, a strap of leather (to bite down on in case an amputation procedure occurs), a shot glass, one syringe of pure adrenaline, 10cc of Morphine, a portable AED, your primary AND secondary insurance cards, 3 gloves (Please make sure these are latex free) and saline. In a separate waterproof container you are required to carry a cell phone, a cell phone charger, a solar panel energy source device, and a portable hotspot. Before the race begins you should have opened up a twitter account as that is how race officials will be keeping track of participant progress as well as drops. If you have not done this, please see that you do this before you get your bib number. 

Moving on to the actual course. Like I said, the start is not here, but rather a decent distance. Once you get there you will be shuttled to the actual start. You will have a blind fold with you, you all should have known this was required, as it was written on the website under the "required pre race gear" tab. From the parking lot, you'll be blindfolded and driven to the actual start. You should also have seen under that same tab the required navigational gear- compass, complete knowledge of course topography, and you should have memorized the course description as well. Since it will be dark, and headlamps are absolutely forbidden, the first several hours of the course will be navigated by the stars, so working knowledge of astronomy will be vital. However, once the sun rises at 6:47, you must use your memory of the maps seen on the website. These were nestled under the "Additional Information" tab. You should NOT have a map on your person. And depending on which map you memorized you will be running either 48k or 76k course. Please know which you memorized, don't just follow the person in front of you as this will just add confusion to a race. 

Some suggestions if you do somehow get lost. Do not back track. Stay exactly where you are. Crews may or may not be out looking for you. To increase your odds of having a crew look for you, please try to socialize with the runners near you. Also, it is in your best interest to get lost on the first half of the 48k course or the last two thirds of the 76k course, as those are the easiest to get to. Since you have brought a novel in your gear bag, this will obviously come in handy here and should be read until you are discovered. If you were diligent in reading our website you will have also brought the gear seen on the downloadable excel spreadsheet title, "What to do if you get lost." A whistle, blanket, crossbow and fire making tools will come in handy if you happen to finish your book and realize that no one is looking for you. Thats obviously a worst case scenario though. Also, if you plan on hunting, you should have secured a hunting permit thirty days prior to the race. I believe small game is currently in season, but depending on how long you are lost, you may be able to hunt larger game. The wildlife officer will address this when we return from our intermission. 

Once you finish the race, which we expect most people to finish in about six to ten hours, again depending on the course you take, we will either have you calculate your finishing time, or if we start at the scheduled 4:30am start time, we will usher you to the after race debriefing. Either way, all participants will be required to attend the meeting. We will NOT start until everyone has finished. Since we do not know the exact number of participants, we have decided that once the room is comfortably warm from body heat, we will begin. The meeting will follow the same general schedule as the pre race meeting. Only instead of offering just expresso, we will also be adding a chocolate tasting table. There will be amply provisions, so feel free to indulge. Awards will be given during the second half of the meeting. We are currently aiming for a 3:30am start time for the ceremony. As most of you will need to return to work that same day, we have limited our presentation time to four hours. You should have already notified your work that you may be late. Also, you can read more about this on the waiver you've already signed. 

If there are no questions at this point, I'm going to suggest that we take a short break for dinner. If you are not a fluent speaker of Spanish or if you have not understood much of this meeting, I'd like to direct you to the computers in the back of the room. There you will see the talk I just gave playing on a loop. You'll be able to pause the talk to allow you time to look up translations in the dictionary you should have with you, as seen on the "Non native speakers required gear" list. Let us resume the talk when we are done with our meal. If we happen to run long on dinner and it spills into our intermission time, please see the amended schedule pamphlet we have placed in the back of the room.

I'm totally blogging about this.

The Fun Scale breaks levels of fun into three categories. Type I: True fun and enjoyable during the activity. Type II: Fun in retrospect, painful while it's happening. Type III: Not fun. At all..even in retrospect.

Among my friends the Fun Scale is commonly referenced during long runs and hikes. Since leaving my job, my fun levels have been all over the place. And also since I've left my job, writing blog entries, drinking tea at cafes while wearing flannel and listening to Indy music has become my way of life. (Well...no, not exactly..but still.)  Hence the increase in entries over the past month. But I digress.. I decided to loosely track my fun levels on the last road trip so that I could compare their levels to the elevation level I was at and the level of effort that was being exerted during that time. I've laid out a graph below so that my calculations and results gain credibility. And using a graph makes me feel like I'm actually working, not just passing time and flaunting photos from one of my awesome trips.

Analysis: Notice the how well laid out and easy to read this graph is. If you think thats a cluster, just imagine how it feels during one road trip. Also check out the minimal Type 3 fun. Summits appear to be high points, not just in elevation, but also Type I fun. In my professional opinion, It would appear that the reason for this is the mild to mid levels of Type 2 and 3 fun that is incurred on the way to the summit. Though, the mid mtn of Elbert sharp increase in Type 3 fun throws a bit of a wrench in that theory. Who cares, its a terrible graph that consists of completely biased estimates of fun levels. Pictures do a better job of tracking fun:

Sean and Brandon headed up Mt Massive

Atop Mt Massive

Leaving Massive's summit..on our way to Elbert.

This wasn't fun.

This was fun! Mt. Elbert

La Plata..Rock represents Sean. Who O.D.ayed and was ill that day.

That person is experiencing Type 3

I guess vacations are ok.

A bit of shade, sunshine and a nice breeze.

Sunset.

Whether you are blogging in a cafe, swimming in the Colorado River, barely making your way up a mountain side, sleeping in the back of your car, or making up terrible graphs- Have fun, be safe, take risks. In that order.

9:27 pm: Home.

My last road trip I kept a trip journal. When the car crested the hill near my house and I could see my abode, I wrote, "Home. Home is where the heart is. So weren't we home all along?" Now- when I wrote this, I was tired, sick of being in the car and most likely in a thick emotional fog of travel. It sounded sooo prophetic at the time. Yes, I think that Aristotle himself would have nodded in agreement with that gem of wisdom. When in fact I had no idea what I meant. I just wanted to write a witty closing statement for the log. I wrote it, closed the log and forgot about it until just recently- when I got back from my most recent road trip. Finally it stuck a chord.

Upper Ice Lake, Silverton, CO. Not a bad place to call home.

Brandon and I at Hope Pass- Photo: Charlie B.

During the last week or so I have traveled all around Colorado. Running, making new friends, seeing beautiful landscapes and learning how to relax a bit. I was fortunate enough to have many generous people open up their houses to me. Everywhere I traveled, I always felt welcome. Whether I was sleeping in my Jeep or at the house of a good friend, a vague sense of "home" was always present. 

Iris, Perry and I

Home is a funny word. Webster defines it as one's place of residence, the social unit formed by a family living together, the focus of ones domestic attention. Well..yes..true it can be defined as that. But like everyone eventually finds out, it can be (should be?) much more. I still call my parents house in Maryland home. Not because of the structure, but because that's where they live. That's where I still go to visit them and my high school friends. It's in the town where I learned how to drive, where I ran my first Ultramarathon, where huge bonfires were made and where I can still go to spot mullets at the local gas station. In Durango, I felt like I was adopted into a large family of runners, coffee shop go-ers, bikers, and hikers. When I visit my sisters in WA, home is either of their houses. But it's also a shared tent by an alpine lake. It is sitting around a Jetboil at 4am making tea before a hike. I'm sure that when my sister's husband left for Afghanistan, her beautifully decorated and comfortable house suddenly felt a little less comfy, a little less like home. When my mom returns to MD after her tour de WA, I can only guess that the house will again feel like a home for my dad. 

 

Kelly and I pointing towards our next adventure.

Home at 14,000+ ft on Mt Columbia

I've been home for a whopping day and in a matter of hours, I'll be gone again. I'm here just long enough to do laundry, drink excessive amounts of loose leaf tea, pay my rent and get the oil changed in my trusty Jeep. Another adventure awaits. But more than that, more places to call home are ready to be discovered. Four walls shouldn't define your home. As long as you are surrounded by people you love and are doing what you enjoy, the location shouldn't matter, because you'll be home all along. 

Up to Hope Pass. Photo: Brandon Stapanowich

Reese St? Coincidence? I think not.

"Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels  not like going, but like going back. All my life the god of the Mountain has been wooing me. Oh, look up once at least before the end and wish me joy. I am going to my lover. Do you not see now?" - C S Lewis.

Laws of Motion

I took a physics class in high school. It was horrible. I did NOT take physics in college. In fact, if I recall correctly, physics class is the only time I earned (use earned in a loose sense here) a 'C' in high school. Maybe that 8% test score wasn't such a helpful thing. At least I got my name right on the exam. Although the class was sheer misery for me- I did enjoy the thought of it or more specifically the laws involved in all that babble-for I feel like they tend to explain a lot about the world around us. So after I did some extensive Wikipedia and Google researching, I am going to explain how good ol' Newton's laws of motions relate to me. Because I'm fairly egotistical and I don't enjoy math equations this early in the morning...especially before I've had my second goblet of tea. 


Newton's Laws of Motion are--in so many words:


Newton's First Law of Motion: An object in motion stays in motion until acted upon by an outside force. An object at rest stays at rest until acted upon by an outside force.

Newtons's Second Law of Motion: The acceleration (a) of a body is parallel and directly proportional to the new force (F) and inversely proportional to the mass (m). Meaning: F=ma

Newton's Third Law of Motion: The mutual forces of an action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear. Aka- To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.

Why would I reference Newton, who is clearly speaking in mathematical terms, you ask? Well, at work the other day, I overheard a familiar conversation happening at the hub of the office- the copy machine. It went something like this:


Coworker 1: ::lets out exasperated sigh: "Ughhhhh"


Coworker 2: "Ohh I know. Me too. At least it's Wednesday"


This conversation stopped me mid bounce on my fitness orb. Gasp! I could somewhat relate. I thought, "What does that even mean? Are we just 'getting by' during the week, schlepping along 40+ hours of each week (2,080 hours a YEAR!) just to do what we want on the weekends??" If that's the case, something has got to change. 


Que First Law of Motion
I could see where it would be easy to get into the habit of thinking like that and living for the weekend because the past few months I had a lingering feeling that I was in some sort of rut aka an object at rest. It was a comfortable rut, nothing was really going wrong, I had no big stressors or catastrophes. Things were ok and I had mastered the art of getting by. But on the other hand, nothing really great was occurring either.
Que Second Law i.e. motivation.
Upon realizing that I didn't want to remain in said rut motivation was the force that moved me to make some changes in my life. I didn't know entirely how quick these unknown changes would happen, but as long as I kept moving forward in the direction of change, I would get there eventually. (Which, by the way, is the first law of ultra running.)
Que Third Law of Motion:
Change did happen and with it more change. I scored two new jobs which meant I had to leave my job at AHA. And now- well in the future- will have ample time on my hands. Which I romantically assume I will spend much of it in the mountains frolicking about with friends- though I'm sure it won't be exactly like that. No matter what the future looks like, it will surely be different than what I was doing. 

Pointing at my future 

Change, moving on, growing- these are not things meant to be avoided or feared. They are all natural things in life. Laws even. Whether or not we want something to change, it is going to happen at some rate. Though if you do desire change, sometimes a little extra applied force helps to accelerate things. 

Our only security is our ability to change. ~John Lilly

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." -Maya Angelou