Balancing Act

Am I getting old? There was a point in my life when being old was cool and desirable. While I was stuck pushing a toy car across the living room floor, my sisters were driving real vehicles on real roads. When I could eventually drive, my sisters were gone, in homes of their own. Married even! WOW. Growing up is awesome I thought. False. The idea of growing up is awesome until it happens to you. On top of that, the idea old age is cool shatters after the age of 24. When I was younger, awe obviously clouded my vision. I didn't see my sisters paying for gas to fuel the real car. I didn't see the very uncool traffic jams. I didn't see the mortgage, grocery, and student loan payments flying out the door. All I saw was a vogue, suave lifestyle that consisted in doing whatever, whenever.

I turn 26 this year. Young by most standards, but it's the oldest I've ever been, so it feels pretty damn old. Which, after writing that, I don't even know what that means. People older than me say that I'm in the prime of my life. Gee, thanks? That's a lot of pressure. The prime of my life. My entire life. Is it all down hill after this? Am I doing..things..right? What are benchmarks or signs to know if I'm on track for having a fulfilling life? How much is health insurance!? Wait, should I be saving for retirement, which is still some weird amoeba type thought that I can barely conceptualize. I have so many questions! This is all happening so fast.

It's not that getting old scares me, it's that the passing of time seems so fast. I feel like I and perhaps society, place an inordinate amount of emphasis on spending time wisely for it is, unfortunately, something you cannot stash away in a savings account. There are days when I question whether or not I am doing the "right" thing with my life or making the "right" decision. This is certainly a more common line of thought during the summer on the Pro Leisure Tour, where, at times, I feel like I'm a complete waste. Hiking around, doing as I please. Not really accomplishing much of anything that will contribute to the greater good. (Well, it contributes to my greater good.) It is during those times that I get anxious and question myself. I find that I compare myself to those around me in a feeble attempt to measure the worth of my outings and choices. A dangerous train of thought. Rationally I know that judgments like these are not an accurate predictor of happiness, success or anything really, but it is incredibly easy to get swept away by this line of "reasoning." I've been attempting to let go of this mindset in hopes of adopting a more gentle, non-judgmental mentality, but I still struggle to accept things for how they are.

When I was young and still pushing toy cars across the floor, my dad always told me, "Balannnceee. Balance is everything." I'm fairly certain I looked at him blankly, not knowing exactly what he meant. Perhaps it was some secret that people who drove cars only knew. He never really expanded on that phrase and it's probably for the better. Over the years it has taken on numerous and varied meanings. During college it meant find a balance of studying and skipping class to ski. After I graduated it meant strike a ratio of days dedicated to "panicing about the future" and "relaxing about the future." Balance for running means, run AND rest. Now a days, balance has become a blend of my previous definitions. It means, relax about the future, but don't rest on your laurels. It means take time for yourself, but not all the time. Pay your bills on time, save for the future, but you probably need that LuLuLemon top. Spend time in the mountains doing what you love and don't feel guilty about it.

Deep down I know what balance means and I know that over time the definition will change. I'm sure 40 years from now, when ultra running has destroyed my knees, it will actually mean balance.  But for now, I'm happy with the definition I've given it. Though that's not to say that I don't forget that definition on a daily basis. It just means that it's a working definition. A work in progress. The PLT is in it's beginning stages. There is much traveling, running and hiking to be done and I fully intend to enjoy it. As long as I don't forget that I still need to pay my rent on the 1st and that my Jeep doesn't run on hopes and dreams.

So confusing!

 "I suppose it's like the tickling a crocodile, isn't it? Time is chasing after all of us." -Peter Pan

No offense, but...

Washington, DC- A bill that called for a removal of certain phrases from the English language passed by a unanimous vote on Friday afternoon. All members of the House stated that from here on out, the following phrases would be deemed unconstitutional:

• "No offense, but..."
• "Just saying..."

An unnamed Representative from Colorado said that these phrases needed to be removed "because they were essentially an attempt at voiding the statements that preceded it. They are a smoke and mirror illusion, trying to disguise the truth. They are a pathetic attempt at smoothing over an inappropriate, blunt, and perhaps crass statement." Another Representative stated that the phrases "try to make the victim of the offensive statement feel a bit better about being demoted."

Tim Griffin, an Arkansas Representative  told reporters that, "At first I was a bit leery of the bill. It seemed like it would be a violation of the First Amendment. But when talking this issue over with my wife, she told me 'that was the dumbest thing [she'd ] ever heard, no offense.' That's when I knew we needed to pass this bill."

The bill, which is often referred to as The No Offense Taken bill, will go in to effect immediately. It mandates that the phrases mentioned above, be abolished. If the phrases are heard being used, violators can face up to a $1000  fine and 3 days of community service where they will teach English to illegal immigrants. Already police have taken several people custody and fined hundreds more.

Officer Wilksboro, a DC Language Police Officer, said, "Just the other day I had to break up a squabble at a cafe. Two middle aged women were talking when I clearly heard the more aggressive women say 'No offense.' She tried to come back from it after I confronted her by saying, 'That's not what I meant! I didn't mean to call her stupid, undermine her intelligence and blatantly try to deceive her. I thought she'd get it, but instead she somehow managed to take my statement the wrong way, despite the 'no offense' clause.' Poor lady. Hopefully she will learn from that slip up."

This reporter thinks the bill will be a boon to the country. It will force people to be upfront and honest. Rendering verbal shields utterly useless. However, I do think that the bill will be difficult and extraordinarily expensive to enforce. Perhaps there are better things the government could invest in. No offense, I'm just sayin. 

Buck Up.

I wrote this a while ago, but I felt like I wanted to resurrect it.

Are you struggling with a problem, illness or a crippling case of depression? If so- read on! After years of clinical trials and research, the doctors at No Shit Sherlock LLC, have found the cure to all your ailments.
            “We tried a lot of things on really fuckin depressed people. I mean the lowest of the low on the loser totem poll,” stated Dr. Fulkerson. “The assisted suicide and bungee jumping therapy proved to be slightly unethical. Not to mention, it didn’t fit into our current marketing scheme. Ultimately we decided to stick to marketable catch phrases that everyone could relate to.”  No Shit Sherlock LLC (NSS) reported that after testing nearly 156 phrases- ranging from fourth grade reading level insults and comebacks, to redneck proverbs and even some “high class shit,” they finely stuck gold with three phrases. The researchers at NSS measured things like: Motivation, likelihood of beating head against wall, passive aggressive behavior, aggressive aggressive behavior, the times a subject would nod their head in agreement, perceived level of self loathing, and level of repulsiveness as judged by peers. Dr. Fulkerson reported that, “these phrases seemed to just click with people. The lines sunk in and really got them thinking. All the numbers and results we got were impressive across the board.”       
            The phrases that NSS ended up with are as follows: “Pull yourself together,” “Buck up,” and “Get your shit together.” Although the doctors found that certain factors help to boost the effectiveness of these phrases. Dr. Heine, the lead research at No Shit Sherlock LLC, notes that their studies have shown the phrase has a particular high potency if it sounds like “bullshit advice elitists offer people.” For instance, one of the test subjects, whom we will call Joe Sprankelstuben so as to conceal his identity, states that after hearing the line “Get your shit together,” a light bulb went on in his head. In interviews he said, “It was an “AH HA moment.  Of course! Had you told me years ago to get my shit together, I could have saved hundreds on therapy bills! I totally forgot about the horrible bob sled accident that killed my entire family and left me with HIV. I just sort of sat up straight, decided to get my shit together and now I’m pretty much the picture of perfection.”
            NSS is still running trials on these phrases and caution people that only use these gems sparingly- as they are not sure of the long term effects. Though the results seen in lab tests seem positive and a good indicator that perhaps words DO speak louder than actions.

Becoming a Beginnger

I aspire to do many things. I want to start rock climbing again, go to yoga classes, write short stories, run 100 miles, complete a Colorado bike tour. I'm fairly fit, have the time to invest in these endeavors, and yet I haven't done a single one. Sure, I talk about doing them. I think about starting them, look at information online, but I never actually follow through with anything. The fact that I can do these things, but simply don't is frustrating beyond belief. The only thing preventing me from starting and completing these tasks is me.

A few days ago I spoke with a good friend about this ridiculous paradox. He, too, struggled with something similar. Plagued with months of "hemming and hawing" about hobbies and purchases for theses new activities. Both of us made up outlandish excuses as to why we couldn't commit to these things. "Too expensive," "not enough time," "I have to watch paint dry," "I need to research it more," "I probably won't like it." These excuses only mask to real reason for not pulling the trigger, the fear of being a beginner. The fear of asking questions, making mistakes, being unsure, looking 'dumb.' Which is ironic, considering I work in a school where I encourage students to ask questions, try new things and to not worry about what anyone else thinks. Perhaps I should start practicing what I preach.

The cow that never learned to run from enemies.

Running is something that comes naturally to me (and shockingly, to a majority of the human species). So of course I find that I want to run. It is an easy part of my comfortable routine. Introducing something new would require a change. Something new might make me work, make me learn! Oh, heavens! (Again, ironic considering my job.) Interestingly enough, I enjoy learning. I actually crave it. I read, I attend educational classes, but I don't want people to see me stumble up the learning curve. I'll learn, damnit, but I don't want you to know I struggled. Passive learning, via reading and classes, there are not many opportunities for people to see your mistakes. Yes, you might pronounce a word wrong in your head while reading, but the chances of anyone noticing that are slim. When you start something new, like rock climbing or take up an instrument, mistakes stick out. That off key note, that slip from the wall, surely someone will laugh. Someone will notice. And from that moment on, you'll be known as the person who made that mistake. Forever. 

Really? Forever? I doubt it. First, if someone does remember you solely for the minor mistakes you made, you might not want to associate with them in the first place. Second, it is extremely probable that someone else, perhaps even the people around you, made similar mistakes.  (None of this is true for a suregon. I never, ever, what a suregon to make a mistake. I will hold a grudge.) Making mistakes, learning from them, seeing improvement is rewarding, not scary. Asking for advice or taking lessons doesn't make you a failure. It's probably more normal than stewing for 6 months about buying a yoga mat.

"You can learn new things at any time in your life if you're willing to be a beginner. If you actually learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you." Barbara Sher

"Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns... We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small." - Tara Brach

Holiday Travel

Traveling comes easy to some people. These travel savants seamlessly make all their flights, pack their suitcases perfectly, and are generally ready to go the night before their scheduled travel. I, on the other hand, have yet to master the art of traveling. Take a look at my track record:

A summer long long ago:
I became overly attached to a stick (yes, a wooden stick I found on the ground. It was cool looking, okay?!) I would not leave the campground until we packed the stick in the car. My dad ended up sawing part of it off for me to keep, as the stick was nearly 5 feet in length.

August 2000- Greece
My parents foolishly left me to my own devices to pack. I packed a wolf shirt, mesh Umbro shorts, an umbrella hat and Groucho Marx mustache glasses. 

December 2001- Italy
Bought a massive mask, complete with feathers, in Venice. On the way home, I got some odd questions from customs. I also remember that I was violently ill on the return trip. Someone on British Airlines thought serving salmon in an enclosed area would be a good idea. Fail.

Summer 2004- Maine
My friend Sarah and I got lost in the Maine wilderness for 6 hours, causing my family to totally freak out and form a mini search party for us. They found us wandering aimlessly down the road around 9:00 PM, after we bushwhacked our way out of the woods.

May 2006- DC-Jamaica
Missed flight due to US Airways not having people at their check in counter. Waited in DC for hours, made a flight to NC where we managed to persuade the people at the ticket counter to feel bad for us. Got on a flight to Florida. And did the same thing to get on to a flight to Jamaica.

June 2007- Georgia
I missed my flight by an entire day. Didn't realize this until I arrived at the airport and a TSA agent sarcastically told me I wasn't going to make my flight. I spent $400 on another ticket, which didn't leave for 12 hours. So I spent 12 hours walking around the ATL airport and later spent the night on the floor in the Vegas airport, being serenaded by slot machines.

December 2012- Denver
I checked into my flight the night before I was supposed to leave. Woke up the next morning, thinking I had the whole day to relax. I was casually sipping my tea when it occurred to me that I might want to recheck my flight time. Turns out that my 8:50pm flight was actually an 8:50am flight. I found this out at 7:50am. I hadn't packed, was still in my pajamas and was completely panicked. With the help of Dakota, I managed to get to the airport at 8:20, run to my gate and arrive at 8:40. Like a boss, I made my flight. And narrowly dodged having a massive panic attack. (I managed to pack Christmas presents, running shoes and a flannel shirt.)

My inability to master flawless travel. What does it mean? I have no idea. How does this relate to running? I'm not entirely sure it does. Maybe this is telling me that humans aren't meant to travel further than their bodies will physically take them. Perhaps we should all travel by foot. We would all certainly reduce our impact on the environment and the size of our waist lines. But that's a huge stretch and while I completely fail at traveling, I love it. I enjoy experiencing new places and cultures. Sometimes it is nice to travel so that I can simply miss home.

I think the moral of the story is, well, that there is no moral. It is simply a great affair to travel. Be it by foot over vast distances, by plane, boat or car. We travel to not only see new places, but to tell stories, to rehash what has just happened. Half of the story is where you went, the other half is how you got there.

"I travel not to go anywhere, but to go.I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move."
 -Robert Stevenson

Beauty

This past summer was just one amazing landscape and adventure after another. I kept waiting for a disappointing weekend- where I saw nothing interesting, nothing beautiful. In fact, I was so concerned with keeping up my streak of going to these breathtaking places, that I actually became fearful to stay in Denver on the weekend. Mid August, I remember trying to think of when I last spent a full weekend at my apartment in the city. After stalking through my own photo albums on Facebook, I guesstimated it was sometime in November 2011.

This realization almost paralyzed me with a fear of normalcy. What would happen if I actually stayed home on the weekend? Do other Denver-ites actually stay in one place..for extended periods of time? It can't be true. Surely one would die from lack of...lack of...amazingness? Of Excitement? Boredom?

Towards the end of the summer, panic set it. Work would be starting and surely my week long trips would cease. I was cramming in trips like a college student crams in a whole semesters worth of notes the day (night...) before the final. My last hoorah was a camping trip to Lake City. I tired with all my might to draw out the days. I wanted to notice everything. I wanted to take time to observe the few Aspen leaves that were already beginning to change colors. I hiked slowly, thinking that the slower I went, the more I could see and the longer I would postpone "reality." I sat on the summit of Wetterhorn for a good 20 minutes. Turning myself, like a rotisserie, to take a mental panorama snapshot that I would be able to take with me, to keep in a safe place to pull out on a dull weekend in Denver.

Wetterhorn summit register.

Eventually, I had to leave Lake City and subsequently, my adventurous trips behind. My work week came and went and for once, I had no plans for the weekend, except for staying at home. Most of my Saturday mornings were spent rising before the sun did, only to greet it mid way up a mountain. But in Denver, I woke up later and eased into my morning with several piping hot cups of black tea. I piddled around my house in my pajamas for an awful long time. Watered my brownish pathetic looking "plants" which I severely neglected. I was a stranger in my own house and had no idea how to occupy myself. I needed a distraction and a plan. A friend and a run.

The run wasn't anything to write home about. No one comes to Colorado to run on the Highline Canal. Casual conversation, talking about past trips and future plans. But as we turned west off of the trail to head back to my apartment, I saw the Rockies far off in the distance. The sight took me by surprise. Their substantial size seemed to put the smallness of human life into perspective. Even from afar, I could feel their magnitude and see their beauty. The Denver skyline, illuminated by the sun, occupied the foreground, but it didn't disturb the mountains. Without even thinking, I turned to my friend and essentially proclaimed how amazingly lucky we were to live in such a beautiful place. 

Kelly and I in Grand Lake

Tally hos after Pikes summit

An uneventful run on the flat gravel paths of lowly East, East...Denver managed to bring me more enlightenment than all time spent in the mountains over the summer. That single run opened my eyes and allowed me to see that there is beauty in all places, you just have to notice it. For me, the beauty of Denver isn't as prominent as the obvious beauty of a sunrise on an alpine lake, but it is there. I realized that sometimes beauty isn't a landscape or a particular place at all. It's a run with a friend or making dinner with someone. It's catching up over tea or listening to someone else's adventure stories. It is appreciating the people in your life and your surroundings. It comes in small packages or in packages the size of a mountain range. You just have to know where to look.

Tally Hos in Crested Butte

"But there is much beauty here, because there is much beauty everywhere." - Rilke

The Fam in WA. Not on a mountain.

"If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life; it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth."- Mitsugi Saotome

Tessa and I, Longs Peak

The Art of Pacing: Timing is Everything

I have been staring at this screen each night for the past few nights trying to express in words what I'm thinking. And each night I write a few sentences, delete them and continue staring at a blank screen. Most of my time is spent refilling my mug with tea and staring..staring a blank screen. A constant and glaring reminder that I have writers block. I thought a run would inspire me. It has worked in the past, but no matter how long I run, I come back and no gems of wisdom pour from my fingertips. Tea is the only thing being poured here.

Today, day four of this, I somewhat snapped. Which is ironic, considering that I am hoping to write about timing, pacing and patience. Something that at the present eludes me. I want nothing more than to get how I am feeling down in words and I want to do it now. Actually, I wanted to do it four days ago.

It all started at the last cross country meet. I was attempting (more like stumbling over my words) to explain to my team the idea behind pacing yourself during a race. I feel as though I did a horrible job of explaining it. It is a bit of an obscure subject due to it's intangible nature. So, I want a do over. Maybe I can do a little better the second time around:

The Art of Pacing: Timing is Everything

ME: Many of you have just started racing this year, so I'm going to share some wisdom. I am the coach which means I'm always right and extremely insightful, so put the phones away, stop tweeting and listen up. It has come to my attention that some of you take off like a rocket for the first few minutes only to suffer gravely for it shortly thereafter. Others kick like a twelve gauge shotgun in the last 200 meters. Yes, at the start it is fine to start out fast to ensure that you get ahead of the pack. But the key is to not get swept up in the moment and the crowd. You need to find you own pace and rhythm. Don't run someone else's race. Have patience. The race is not won in the first 400 meters. There are still more miles to go and hills to climb. Too much too soon is the plight of any runner. Find your pace. Don't be intimidated by the reputations of the people in front of or behind you.

ME: Now, I can't forget to talk about the next few miles. The middle is where the drama is. It's where reality sets in. Or rather, fatigue. Here, it is easy to become complacent and settle into a slower pace. Keep your wits about you. Indeed, your legs might feel a twinge lethargic, but thats normal. Accept that it is going to happen and move on. If you are feeling good, roll with it, its likely to change. If you are feeling bad, again- just roll with it, that feeling, too, will pass. Don't look back, ever. You cannot control whats going on back there. Keep your eyes ahead of you, but don't fret about how much further you have to go. Take each moment as it comes. Plan for the future, but don't flip out when your plans change. And they will.

Athlete 1: Hey, Coach? Are you still talking about racing?
Me: Of course I am [Athlete 1's name]. What else would I possibly be eluding to? And how dare you interrupt my fictitious monolog. Now, don't ask anymore stupid questions. Back to what I was saying..

[Athletes grumble, make comments that no questions are stupid...]

Me: Where were we? See what I did there? I said 'we' rather than 'I' so I sound mildly selfless and more like a team player. Oh yes yes.. The middle. So far you have gone through the excitement of the start. Flawlessly settled into your pace where you have kept your head on straight, stayed true to course and if you have timed it right, you've scored some negative splits. Now let's pretend you are through the second mile. Here, don't get bored or dismayed by what you are feeling. Timing is key at this point. Some people will start to pick up their pace greatly, others wait till the last hundred meters. Go with what feels natural to you. If you think you can pick up your pace and sustain it, go with it. If you want to wait a bit longer, do that. Just have patience- you'll know when the time is right. The end of a race- that's where you lay it all on the line. If you finish and are so exhausted that someone with more upper body strength than me has to scrape you up off of the ground, thats fine. Just leave the race with no regrets, knowing that you tried your hardest. If you do that, you ran the race well.

And actually, the whole concept of pacing is something that you acquire through experience. You find out through trial and error how to run a race. Maybe the first time you ran this course, you totally blew the hell up after you split a 5:04 the first mile and a 8:57 second mile. Learn from that. Next time, curb your enthusiasm. Or maybe you got to mile 2.98, realized that you had been lollygagging and suddenly took off at mach speed. It's a learning process. You can't have a good race without having some really..confusing.. races. Just learn from your mistakes, give it your all, have fun and above all- love what you do.. Because you'd never race again if you didn't love doing it. Or if I didn't force you..

Athlete 2: Love... racing?
Me: Of course...and Jesus, are you taking pictures of your food on Instagram again? THISISMYLIFE!!


Yes, that is how all of my cross country discussions sound....in my head.



"It is always what I have already said: always the wish that you may find patience enough in yourself to endure, and simplicity enough to believe; that you may acquire more and more confidence in that which is difficult, and in your solitude among others. And for the rest, let life happen to you. Believe me: life is right, in any case." Rilke