Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Trifecta of Toughness

Ultra runners have varying strengths on the course- some are great at vertical gain or technical trails, while others excel at flat courses (if you are terrible at that, you may want to seek help..) and downhill running. So I had this idea of creating a three day event for some of my friends. Day one being Vertical Gain and Loss. Day Two being flat and fast and day three consisting of technical trails. Because I have a jammed packed calender full of tea drinking, day dreaming and catching up on my paint by numbers techniques, I haven't had enough time to really plan it all out. So in the meantime, Dakota and I came up with a rough draft of what it might look like.


Are you an endurance athlete that just hasn’t been challenged enough lately? Do ULTRAMARATHONS feel too SLOW? TRIATHLONS too BORING? MOUNTAINEERING BLASÉ? Then you’re going to love REESE RULAND’S TRIFECTA OF TOUGHNESS! It’s the perfect combination of DISTANCE, SPEED AND ABILITY in a CHALLENGING ENVIRONMENT! Other races don’t offer LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESSES or BONE-SHATTERING IMPACTS like the TRIFECTA, which boasts the MOST MIND-ALTERING SUBSTANCES and HIGHEST WEAPON-to-COMPETITOR RATIO of any race on the planet! The TRIFECTA is a three-day event designed to put you in the PAAAAIIIINNN CAAAAVVVVE. A single look at the itinerary will have wusses like you running for cover:

12:00 am – 5:00 am every night: Random blowing of air horns. Bring as many earplugs as you like – they won’t help you.
“Red Hot Biathlon” – Each competitor places three drops of Tabasco sauce in each eye and heads out on the ten-mile dirt course on a snowboard, both feet attached. At each odd-numbered mile competitors must kill the fierce, hungry predator racing toward them, and at each even-number mile competitors must kill the litter of defenseless baby animals searching hopelessly for love and shelter. This will all be done with a 12-gauge sawed-off shotgun, buckshot only.
“Bingo Burnout” – Competitors must play and win ten rounds of bingo with a grandmother figure, and appear as if they are enjoying it.
“Paintball Base Jumping” – Competitors will begin in a corral 200 feet from the edge of a 1000-foot cliff, armed with a paintball gun and full hopper of paintballs as well as a base-jumping kit. The point is to get to the finish line at the bottom of the cliff fastest, with the fewest hits. Death is an automatic disqualifier.
“Three-Legged Downhill Mountain Biking” – Using two bikes, each two-person team must tie their legs together so that their feet are touching, then navigate the 4,000 vertical feet of world-class cliffs, drops and turns. To add an inventive for speed, we have traced the course with a one-foot-wide continuous line of gasoline, which we will light from the top ten seconds after you begin.
“Whitewater Scuba” – We have chained either your first-born child (where applicable) or your mother to the bottom of a boulder in class-five whitewater. Don’t worry - they have plenty of oxygen. Unfortunately they also have three sticks of watertight napalm strapped to their chests with a thirty-minute timer. And don’t lose the key! It’s shorter than this sentence.
“Cardiac Arrest” – This stage features twelve stations, each with a dying patient in mortal agony next to three to five living human organs on ice. Competitors must diagnose the patient, choose the correct organ, and surgically attach it before the patient dies. Dead patients place the competitor at legal fault, and nearby police officers will be on hand to place any negligent competitors under arrest.

“Political Turmoil” – Competitors will mix Valium and Cocaine and run for like forever before they realize they are in PAKISTAN! Or maybe SOMALIA! Or NORTH KOREA! And then they’ll have to explain themselves to the authorities, who will have been alerted prior to their arrival. The quality of our product means they will still be tripping hard, and the authorities will soon find guns, child pornography and more drugs on their person. Remember, this is a timed event, so any hostage-taking that lasts beyond the three days of the event will be automatically disqualified.

Are you TOUGH ENOUGH to complete the TRIFECTA? This three-day event will sell out soon, so SIGN UP NOW! Competitors who sign up before March 30 will receive a FREE KALASHNIKOV RIFLE AND AN OUNCE OF MESCALINE (both good for when you’re FREAKINGTHEFUCKOUT!!!!!!!!) Log on to our website at DEATHBYCHOICE.COM and EMBRACE YOUR DEEEEEESSSSTINNNYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!


1) All calories you plan to need for this 3 day event must be consumed prior to the start of the race. We recommend at least 24,000. No chances to refuel. If you are found eating, you will be kicked in the stomach and forced to vomit up contents. Only then will you be disqualified.
2) Leave no trace. All waste- both trash and human fecal matter must be packed out by runner. Failure to do so will result in disqualification.
3) Do not cut course. In case of course cutting, runner will incur any and or all of the following- swirly, head shoved in yak shit, swift kick to sensitive regions of the body, forced to listen to Kenny G for 39 hours while seated in a chair made out of elk antlers. And lastly, disqualification.
4) Crying. Punishable by death and or disqualification. Buck up you sissy.
5) Use of personal MP3 player. Your left ear will be cut off and fed to pigs. Disqualification may occur depending on what artists are found on your play list. Hansen, Vanilla Ice, and select Owl City songs are terms of immediate disqualification
6) Use of medicine- in case of injury, put a slab of raw meat in your mouth, throw salt on wound, pinch skin together, hot glue gun shut. Have closest person smack wound to insure a tight seal. If it hurts, have them smack your face. If you wince- disqualification may be pending.
7) Blogging or tweeting about your emotions leading up to the event. Automatic disqualification. No one gives a crap about your feelings. If you want to win this race, you probably should ignore or suppress them. Get your shit together man.
8) Photos- If you have time to take photos, you aren't running hard enough. Your "accidental" death will be caught on film and later posted on events website. Disqualification after death photos.
9) Failure to pay entry fee- every day it is late, you will be charged 4% interest. Disqualification will not occur- we want your money and as much of it as we can get.

o First place- A 5 inch knife wound across cheek.
o Second place- Gets shanked with a shiv
o Third- third degree burns
o Fourth- Death. Your mother was right- you'd never be good for anything.

Seriously- I'll get something together- perhaps a little less intense- though those awards ARE hard to beat.

1 comment:

  1. anything with a kalashnikov and an ounce of mescaline looks good. where do i sign up?